Lips to Die For

When it comes to full-on, big-time no-brakes comic-book insanity, it’s hard to top issues of SUPERMAN’S GIRLFRIEND LOIS LANE, particularly in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

Need more proof, you say? Look no further than LOIS LANE #111 (July 1971), “The Dark Side of the Justice League,” written by Robert Kanigher and drawn by Werner Roth.


The story wastes no time getting started, as we see a creepy Justice League leering at a beachgoing Lois Lane right on page 1:


And this is what’s great: there’s no mystery here: we’re told right away that these evil mini Justice Leaguers have been created by Darkseid, of all people, as part of an evil plan to destroy Superman, apparently by interrupting Lois’ day off. Bwah-hah-hah!!


A sleeping Lois is hogtied by the mini-JLA, and her lips dosed with a mysterious green liquid. That can’t be good.


When Lois awakes, the mini-League goes a-running, and Lois goes back to her day job, which, it seems, consists primarily of pining away for Superman:


Wow. That’s quite a scoop there, Lois. (And by the way, Clark seems remarkably unconcerned about Lois sitting around all day typing in her stalker diary.) When Lois later helps Superman catch some gangsters, he stops for a minute to consider kissing her, but changes his mind, leaving Lois brokenhearted as usual. What a guy.


Of course, she did just try and rope him into proposing on her live TV show, so there’s plenty of blame to go around. (Yes, this was a period when both Clark and Lois were TV reporters, since everyone in the 1970s knew print was dead.) Later on, after Lois is endangered by statues come to life, Superman returns to the rescue again, but this time, Lois gets the kiss:


However, Superman’s reaction isn’t exactly what Lois may have hoped:


As Superman goes off on his kiss-induced rampage, Lois, not knowing what to do, calls the secret government agency known as The Project for help. Good thing they were listed. They tell her to wait for a package from them with help, so naturally she dozes off at her desk, only to be awakened by those creepy mini-Justice Leaguers again:


Lois makes a run for it, and along the way finds the package sent by The Project (thoughtfully provided n a lovely purple purse). What’s inside? Why, mini-Loises, of course.


Now, bear in mind, The Project didn’t know anything about the mini-Justice League. Apparently this is just their standard method of assistance. Your government dollars at work. The mini-Loises marchout and start whooping ass on the mini-Justice League. Good thing mini-Lois knows that Kryptonian karate…


Also in the purse, I mean government package, is a talking lipstick, which informs Lois that the lipstick contains Superman’s DNA (eeugh…) and if she plants one on him, it should make his newfound insanity subside.


Sure enough, Lois finds Superman still busting up Metropolis Park, and…


And of course, it’s only a matter of seconds before Lois is back to scheming how to get Superman to propose.

Ah, romance…


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