Farewell, Spidey

By Jessica Tseang

Amazing Spider-Man #50 is an iconic cover. It shocked many (those that bought into it) that thinking that the brand-new popular superhero Peter Parker is already giving up and quitting being Spider-Man. His crime-fighting career barely started!

Much like the death of a superhero, at first, it would be shocking, but when done over and over again, it loses its appeal. Amazing Spider-Man #50 may be special the first time around, but as a friend once said, “If I had a dollar for every time an artist/writer comes up with a moment where Peter purposely left his costume in the trash can with that slow-walk-away-from-the-reader pose, I would be very rich.”

A pure exaggeration, of course, but there would be a certain gripping fear for readers (and I’m sure the fictional civilians that live in the Big Apple) if their friendly neighborhood web-slinger stopped showing up.

Although over the years, we may be tired of seeing the story line “Spider-Man No More!”, we still do hold a certain fear if Spider-Man truly did cease to exist.

Long before Tony Stark stole audiences’ hearts with his wit and humor, Spidey was the true smart-aleck and a bright light in the relatively somber Marvel universe. He is one of the most optimistic superhero characters to have been created which, no doubt, is a huge factor to his popularity.

Parker’s constant struggle to balance his life is just one of the many reasons why he is so well loved. My father was someone who picked Spider-Man as his favorite character, because of how “realistic” his life is. Whenever he wins as Spider-Man, he loses as Peter Parker. To defeat Rhino, he misses out on a date with Mary Jane. He’s not always on time like Batman, nor is he rich. He wasn’t born a mutant or with godlike powers.  Peter constantly dealt with falling asleep at school because he’d been out the night before as Spider-Man, he can barely make rent because of a low-paying job as a photojournalist and tries with daily patience, to tolerate a crabby and despicable boss.

When the Ultimate Spider-Man died, the world was at shock. Poor Miles Morales had huge shoes to fill. Spider-Man inspired young and old alike, managing to capture their hearts even with J. Jonah Jameson on his back declaring him a web-slinging menace.

For a bright and ever-optimistic character, even when things are looking sour, Peter complains on the inside but continues to face the day with vigor all while making jokes. And when Gwen Stacy died, Peter’s world was shattered. He mourned, picked up the pieces, moved on but in his heart, never forgot his first love. For most superhero characters, their personalities would have taken a 180-degree turn, but not for our vigilant hero, he stayed the same.

Where Superman and Batman protected the fictional cities of Metropolis and Gotham, Spider-Man protected New York. This gave readers a certain emotional tie to the hero. He was also the first hero to address 9-11 in a storyline, which I am sure, brought tears to many readers.

Peter Parker is a flawed hero. He made decisions that at first were egotistical and arrogant, which led to his Uncle Ben’s death. Peter came to a realization on his own, from the wise words of his late caretaker “With great power, comes great responsibility.” He wasn’t a kid born with big muscles and good looks; he was gawky and weird. And though by accident, was given something that he saw as a blessing. It is not uncommon for those that were not born into money, who later earned or were given their wealth, to accept their current situation with gratitude and treat it as a blessing.

It’s hard to put into words why Spider-Man is one of Marvel’s most beloved characters, but his optimistim and wit in spite of all of his constant struggles and obstacles, makes him a character that is a great role model that many would look up to. A world needs Superman and a city needs their Batman, and Spider-Man is the same for the Marvel side. Spider-Man is one of the few characters that I find, should he cease to continue, everyone would feel affected.

Even after apprehending some bad guys, he realizes that he can’t be everywhere at once.

Parker’s grades start to slip, even if it is due to doing good deeds. To top it off, he can’t go out with Gwen whenever he pleases and doesn’t even have the time to get to know Mary Jane. Poor kid just can’t catch a break.

His boss (who unbeknownst to him was employing Spider-Man), is a constant mental terror for Peter, with his never-ending quest to convince the public that Spider-Man is a menace. Unlike someone like Wolverine, who just doesn’t give a crap, it’s not that easy for kind-hearted Peter Parker. There is no upside to the public despising him; it makes his life even harder.

Parker begins to go through self-doubt and starts to believe Jameson’s accusations. And with that…

The iconic shot.

Talk about a boss from hell. A kid who just risked his life running into the big guy’s office to give him evidence that will finally make his dreams come true, will only get a free copy of the newspaper and probably no credit. I wish I could see the kid’s facial expression!

J.J.J.’s hatred of the web-slinger is much like Lex Luthor’s own blind ambition to destroy Superman. The moment they get rid of the hero, they only then begin to realize that the protagonist has been pretty much the main reason for keeping other larger enemies at bay. Without them, the city or world is screwed.

After word gets out all over the major news channels, the Big Apple starts to have shenanigans go down.

Parker is feeling pretty darn good about himself. He’s finally got the time and mental relaxation to ask out Gwen Stacy. Although she turns him down, this young ex-hero isn’t deterred. He’s awake for the first time in ages when it comes to his studies.  Though I suspect, he’s mostly feeling pretty good due to finally addressing his girl problems.

Once a hero always a hero. What a good guy you are, Peter Parker.

This entire page actually made me tear up. I think what touched me about Parker’s upbringing is how familiar it feels to me. I’ve seen it in the Kents and the Waynes. Many heroes come from upbringings as damaged as their rogues, but what separates them is the good morals they were instilled with.

When Uncle Ben saved up for months to buy his nephew his first microscope, I think that’s where I lost it and started to tear up. We often forget that simple gesture could mean a lot. Although Peter was not the biological child of Aunt May and Uncle Ben, they treated him like their son.

The watchman that Peter saves (sans his costume), reminded him of his Uncle Ben, stirring up emotions that have been suppressed from all of the negativity that he has bought into.

Peter realizes that he’s not just “playing hero,” and the whole reason why he used his powers for good, was his Uncle Ben. NOT doing anything resulted in his death.

Many may see Peter Parker as a kid, and sure, he still makes mistakes, But self-realization and choosing to change, is a very mature and adult attribute. Very few people are able to come to this conclusion.

Spider-Man vows never to fail again, and faith is restored to the reader. This issue has been one of my favorites and whenever I feel down, I go back and reread it. Sure, Spider-Man is a fictional character, but real people write him. Real people who struggle with rent, not getting the girl, having a horrible boss and not being able to be at fifteen places at once.  Peter’s way of dealing with his flaws is what makes him a hero. There is a Peter Parker in all of us.

Free Comic Book Day: Nerd Christmas in May

By Jessica Tseang

There’s only one day each year that I look forward to more than Christmas and it comes the first Saturday of every May: Free Comic Book Day. The idea originated from Joe Field of Flying Colors Comics, a comic-book store located in Concord, Ca. Free Comic Book Day was to encourage the awareness of graphic novels and comic books to readers outside of the regular fanbase, while calling back former readers and to thank current comic book readers for their continued support. This year marks its 10th anniversary and nerds around the world couldn’t be happier.

FCBD has been linked to related comic-book movies coming out around the same time, the most current of which is The Avengers, which helped to promote FCBD. I don’t know about you, but I rushed out bright and early to several of my local comic-book retailers to celebrate this day that I’ve drawn a red circle around on my calendar since May of last year.

Collector’s Paradise, located in Pasadena, CA, had a great turnout from people of all ages. They promoted a “buy three get one free” deal for other merchandise, which was met with great zeal from their customers. I was extremely delighted as I overheard a young girl ask her mother for “Hello Kitty comics.” Granted, there was none in the store and her mother ended up buying her three Toy Story comics, nonetheless I was ecstatic to know FCBD wasn’t just reaching out to only current readers. One of my biggest concerns is that although FCBD gets massive press coverage, it is only on the radar of those who already read and collect comics. I have several friends who buy the occasional graphic novel and to my horror, can recite the exact date and time on their Avengers movie ticket but have no clue as to what a “Free Comic Book Day” is. When many years have passed and wonderful people like Mark Waid, Grant Morrison, Geoff Johns and those two adults down my street who collect comics have passed away, I would want a whole new generation to take over for us old folks. So it was gratifying to see that it was a cute little girl who will grow up to join the many other geek girls around the globe. After years of worry, I see that FCBD is finally achieving one of its main goals.

Comics Factory, also located in Pasadena, California, had a line going OUT THE DOOR AND SPILLING INTO THE MCDONALD’S PARKING LOT. I squealed in delight and quickly parked my car to join my fellow nerd buddies. It was a madhouse in there with folks wide-eyed to the great selection of free comics this year.

House of Secrets in Burbank, California, had two cute female comic-book clerks helping out at the register and introducing new titles to readers. They even let a little girl be their “special helper of the day” by letting her stamp the free comic books with their store address and logo. It was an ingenious way of making kids feel important and wanted, while insuring that she will never forget that day and grow up to be a lifelong comic book reader. Outside of their store were cosplayers that helped attract curious people driving by to make a U-turn and stop by the store.

Emerald Knights (located in the same city), gave out lollipops to children and I could tell this year was the year for kids. Even our own Blastoff Comics event at NE1 Skate in North Hollywood was a success with kids and teenagers.

FCBD was a success to me this year, not because I factored in good weather and I knew that I’d be watching The Avengers soon, but because I am finally witnessing a larger and larger turnout of children and women. After 10 years of success among those that already are current readers, FCBD has now begun to break out of that bubble.

 

It’s Christmas in May!

Now that Free Comic Book Day has come and gone, what did you look forward to grabbing at your local comic book store? Every year, on Free Comic Book Day Eve, I go online and print out their list of what publishers will be promoting.

Here is that magical page I’m talking about:

http://www.freecomicbookday.com/Home/1/1/27/981

Note: Some books are not shown on the site but are part of a flip book.

Like everyone on the planet, we always have a few things that we look forward to more than others in any given event. In no particular order, I made sure that I grabbed these first and read them with the detail of a lawyer reading the fine print of a contract.

HOLY COW!!! And yes, this book from Archaia is deserving of three exclamation points. Not only is Mouse Guard an Eisner award-winning series but also it is the first hardcover comic ever given away for free on FCBD. It is 48 pages of full-color and glory. The stories included are Mouse Guard, Labyrinth, Return of the Dapper Men, Rust, Cursed Pirate Girl and Cow Boy.

For those who love David Peterson’s Mouse Guard, the short story in this anthology will give you a brief look into the life Saxon. Labyrinth is beautifully drawn and Return of the Dapper Men bring us more of Jim McCann and Janet K. Lee’s brilliance. Rust and Cow Boy introduce us to a unique look behind the scenes of two very different boys. I cannot emphasize enough how much one must get a hold of this anthology and devour it.

Top Shelf Kidsclub free comic is also another must.

Many forget that comic books are not limited to only panels that include dialogue. Comic books are a form of sequential art, and can be depicted without text. Owly by Andy Runton never fails to tug at the heartstrings of the reader and Korgi by Christian Slade is also no stranger to that reaction. Owly finds a silver lining to the great day planned for his little friends after rain unexpectedly befalls them. Our ever-courageous corgi friend reminds us why it’s important for us to never lose our head. Dragon Punch, Pirate Penguin vs. Ninja Chicken, also accompanies Owly and Korgi Upside Down and Okie Dokie Donuts to complete their FCBD issue.

Drawn and Quarterly is a Canadian periodical that focuses on graphic novels and underground or alternative comics. Since its first issue, it is no stranger in the United States among sequential art lovers. FCBD allowed Drawn and Quarterly to give us Moomin by Tove and Lars Jansson’s famous comic strip and Anna & Froga by Anouk Ricard in flipbook format.

Anna & Froga is whimsical and completely unique. There are moments where it catches you off guard and may go over the head of some kids even though it is labeled a children comic.  If an adult can be left both humored and disturbed, I cannot imagine what a child would think.

Th3rd World Studios’ Stuff of Legend is described as an adult (as in content not sexual circumstances) Toy Story. It puzzles me why this isn’t a film yet. The main plot centers around a boy taken by the Boogeyman, and his faithful toys, along with his dog, who journey into a dark forest in the style of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, in order to rescue him. Previous volumes have been highly regarded by Brian K. Vaughn, Mark Waid, Gail Simone, Frank Quitely and John Layman. FCBD gave us a preview of Volume 4’s “The Toy Collector” and I cannot wait any longer for the entire book.

I noticed that focusing on children is only one of the major themes this year. 2012 was also hit with the intrigue of giant reptiles and dinosaurs. Children and puppies may soften us but it’s the dinosaurs and robots that make us spend our hard-earned money at movie theaters.  Jurassic Park and the Godzilla franchise knew what they were doing to us!

Dinosaurs vs. Aliens by Grant Morrison says it all. Any of the three nouns will send a nerd running to their local retailer to find out more. The preview doesn’t give much away, but we should look forward to more of the gorgeous art by Mukesh Singh. Dinosaurs vs. Aliens is published by Liquid Comics and created by Barry Sonnenfeld, the director of the Men in Black films. I am anticipating a summer blockbuster hit in the very palm of my hands soon.

Silver Dragon Books debuted their comic Jurassic StrikeForce 5. Jurassic StrikeForce 5 is a concoction that I suspect was Silver Dragon Books successfully reading fanboys’ minds: dinosaurs in enhanced robotic suits. With the tagline on the cover being: Earth’s Original Heroes, a cheer involuntarily rises from my throat. Like a Michael Bay film, I am excited but have no idea why other than I just experienced something cool. The FCBD comic itself gave only the tip of the iceberg for what the series will be about. We read about a velociraptor in his full armor fighting androids with what I can only describe as a lightsaber. The preview ends with a cliffhanger and I immediately felt impatient. The next thing I knew, I was on the internet to find out the release date of issue one.

Red 5 Comics is best known to many for their Atomic Robo series. Atomic Robo is a robot built by Nikola Tesla in the 1920s and now leads Tesladyne, an organization that saves the day using a combination of science and Atomic Robo himself. The FCBD story involved Atomic Robo making an uneasy truce with his arch nemesis Dr. Dinosaur. What drew me into Atomic Robo is the idea of a modern vs. archaic conflict. It is a concept we are all too familiar with when digital cameras started to become popular. I imagine this is what Steve Rogers felt like after he was thawed out.  Atomic Robo will forever be at odds with Dr. Dinosaur. but how they hash it out is always unique. Filled with humor, science and impressive character development, Atomic Robo is a greatly underrated title.

Seeing My Favorite Martian on the list of free comic books caught me completely by surprise. A popular 1960s TV show on CBS, the series also spawned Gold Key’s comic book tie-in. Hermes Press now reprints many of classic comic book titles, including The Phantom and Brenda Starr Reporter.  The My Favorite Martian free comic book also included publicity photos and supplementary essays. I am a fan of the show and although it has been long off the air (one might catch it on TV Land), I am glad to still be able to experience it digitally remastered in another medium. Fans of sci-fi, cult classics or of an older generation will enjoy Hermes Press books.

As much as I love DC and Marvel, I am glad to see so many indie publishers to mix up the overwhelming majority that is superhero comics. What are some genres you guys would like to see more of?

Free Comic Book Day is always fun and I look forward to it every year. Now, go and circle next year’s date!

Worst Avenger Ever: Meet Starfox

By Jessica Tseang

The Avengers are known to all as Earth’s mightiest heroes. They are the Marvel equivalent of the Justice League and are one of the two most recognized teams in Marvel (the other being X-Men). Yet, from time to time, we collectively scratch our heads, as we can’t figure out the logic behind why certain characters are allowed the privilege to join the Avengers. When one searches the Internet with these two keywords “worst Avengers,” Google will gladly come back with a myriad of links where fanboys around the world have compiled informative lists.

Fanboys are a passionate bunch and will argue to no end on whose list is most accurate. While many share overlapping characters, such as Dr. Druid, D-Man and Jack of Hearts, there is always one contender that has never failed to be on everyone’s list: Starfox.

Just typing his name gives me the willies. It is not because he is mentally unstable or is riddled with rage issues, but because of his favorite power of choice: pleasure. Comic-book lovers can take a lot in comics. Whether it’s Nightwing’s unfortunate encounter with Tarantula or Hulk wanting to mate with his cousin She-Hulk, we laugh with disgust then shrug it off. The only time these incidents are brought up again, is during nerd-rage conversations when someone willingly brings up the topic. However, I have noticed: NO ONE LIKES TO BRING UP STARFOX.  Not even in a ha-ha sort of way.

One might happen to see his name on the Internet, or even at GameStop where our worst Avenger shares the same name as that wonderful ’90s videogame, and it would send a cold feeling down our spine.  The Joker can creep us out, but we can’t help but marvel at his genius. We don’t feel that with Starfox.

Starfox was originally named Eros (which should have been an early warning to the Avengers right there) and is the younger of two sons from Titan. He, along with his supervillain brother Thanos, are members of the Eternals. Eros grew up on Titan as a carefree womanizer and adventurer, while his brother Thanos became a power-hungry, nihilist conqueror (maybe also due to the fact that Thanos’ physical appearance is a contrast to the typical Eternal).

Thanos terrorized their planet and only then did Eros start to take his life seriously. After defending his home planet with other survivors, he joined forces with Captain Mar-Vell. Eros later learns that Thanos killed their mother and after his freedom from captivity, he helped out the Avengers and Mar-Vell in the first defeat of Thanos.

He leaves his duty on Titan and seeks out pleasure among various worlds. Eros returned to Titan to be with his now cancer-stricken friend Mar-Vell during his last moments. Mar-Vell made Eros promise to take care of his lover Elysius after he dies. But seeing his wanderlust, she releases him from his promise. Eros then leaves Titan and heads towards Earth where he sought to join the Avengers.

Good job on Eros for wanting to join a super team, a poor decision on the Avengers to even allow him as a trainee. The Avengers welcome heroes with all kinds of super powers. From telekinesis, to flight or healing factor, to just having plain ole’ good marksmanship, I can usually see the silver lining in why the Avengers allow certain heroes on their roll-call sheet.

Even Dr. Druid, D-Man, or Living Lightning have their positive points. Granted they sucked as an Avenger, but they used whatever power they were blessed with to the best of their ability. It wasn’t their fault they were given crappy powers. Like the slow kid in the back of the classroom, “Hey, at least he tried.” Or, the readers can always blame the writer for having a lazy day.

Eros’ storylines were not the issue, but rather his character. And it started with one writer, then became consistent. Nothing enrages fanboys more than “That’s not what so-and-so would do!” So once Eros became Marvel’s number-one creeper, he stayed that way. Not even a brand-new writer could fix that.

Eros had powers that are actually quite impressive: strength, stamina, agility, flight, healing factor, slow aging and psychic control over the emotions of others. He was an atrocious Avenger not because of the powers dealt to him, but his choice on which power to use during a dire situation. Sure, we see him fly around and punch things when needed, but more often than not, he chose the power to stimulate pleasure as his golden egg. That is what makes him the worst Avenger ever.

Also, look at the costume.

Comics have some of the goofiest costumes around, but when your future teammate is wearing a gigantic arrow pointed towards his nether regions (not because he has poor fashion sense but his way of not so subtly giving a humongous hint), he should not be admitted to the team.  Period.

Several hints are given to the team that should have halted his advances to being one of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.

You know how people always say “It’s the quiet ones that you look for”? Well, be careful of the ones that describe themselves during any conversation and adds “among other things.” The only thought that should be going through your mind should be “Wait a minute…<b>what</b> other things?” Nudge, nudge, wink wink. With his name being Eros, I was shocked how clueless the Avengers were.

Then again, look at how the female members were ogling him.

When a team even entertains the idea to replace a B-list hero (or A minus list) by a C-Z-lister, we know that we’re heading towards trouble.

There are some pretty horrible names for some characters. But those are so terrible we can’t help but laugh. However, they often reflect their physical appearance and/or powers. Starfox does none of the above. We may pretend to follow Wasp’s logic, but it doesn’t mean that we have to accept it.

Nothing stops the Avengers from still arriving to this conclusion:

DOOMSDAY!

Tony Stark is a womanizer and Namor also enjoys the companionship of women, but they go about catching them by being any of the following: suave, chauvinistic, charming, persuasive. Not Starfox; after a hard day’s work (or hardly working), he blows off steam by squeezing the face of a pretty young lady because that’s what women like.

All heroes have their secrets. Sure, honesty is the best policy, but we can sympathize with those who have chosen to hide potentially harmful information or powers in fear of being judged and ridiculed.

I cannot find one reason why hiding the ability to promote pleasure in another is acceptable. Perhaps it’s because Starfox knew that he has the ability over all emotions, but just can’t help choosing the one that makes people blush.

Or maybe it’s because during an extremely urgent situation he does this:

Flashing his veneer smile and creepy posture, this mighty hero decides that the best way to stop intruders is to stimulate pleasure in them.

It does not work.

Starfox is also not very bright. As what you just witnessed won’t be the last time he tries his favorite trick only to be rejected.

Argh. You know that you just wasted your hard-earned lemonade stand money when you read the Vision (one kickass character) tell Starfox to use his pleasure power on their enemy. That team just hit an all-time low.

Starfox is creepy, but now, he only gets disturbing. Not even the Joker hits on people with whom he shares possible ancestry.  Our favorite creeper spends some time in the comics to hunt down Nebula, only for him to encounter her and this happens. He uses the words “gently caress” to a character that may or may not be related to him. Bruce Banner disappears into the Hulk when he transforms and I can overlook him hitting on his cousin, but Starfox isn’t in the same position. He crossed that line like an Olympic gold medalist.

In Incredible Hulk #300, the Hulk rampages through Manhattan with only the Avengers to stop him. It astounds me that this is Starfox’s first choice against one of the most indestructible characters. I have no other reaction but to laugh.

Starfox’s best moment in comic history.

Many of you out there might disagree with me or even find my reasons idiotic; just for that, let me leave you with this:

Google it.

Jessica Tseang was sucked into comics at the tender age of three, and turned it into a degree. She is currently the host for ComiCast!, contributes to GirlGamer, and is founder of Girl on Geek and www.thecomicbookgirl.com.

Life Looks Better From Inside a Giant Clam

By Jessica Tseang

Ahhh….the Silver Age. Whenever I hear those two words alongside one other, I start to giggle. Not a small giggle as one would emit watching a kitten ride a tortoise on YouTube, but an uncontrollable giggle that leads to an uproar of laughter.

The Golden Age was the birth of our heroes. The writing may not be what we modern folk are used to, but we make an excuse for it. Many comic-book readers would mutter under their breath: “Naw…you know what it was like back then.” But by the time the Silver Age rolled around, it wasn’t the writing that boggled us; it was the outrageous and fantastic adventures the heroes found themselves in. Not to mention the hilarious phrases used to describe particular scenes and characters.

I am both a panelologist and a pannapictagraphist. Comics are not just a passion for me, they’re a way of life. Therefore, it can be no doubt that I love all eras in comic history. Let’s face it though, favoritism runs in our blood. My DNA, which has wired me to love all incarnations of Batman, currently fights a daily battle against my brain as it screams obscenities for liking 1960s Batman. I can never live down my non-comic book-loving friends as they jest “SHARK REPELLENT? REALLY?” Or them quoting “Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb!”

So for that, Ms. Brain (and my cruel comrades), I would retort with the following point: comics were meant for not only being a medium to tackle our current issues, but also a source of entertainment.

There is a good reason why the recent Batman: The Brave and The Bold animated series was such a hit: It reminded us that sometimes WE SHOULDN’T TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUSLY.

We become so used to reading how Batman (or any other character) deals with pedophilia, a psychotic killer (graphically shown to us by the way), a death of a lover or even Killer Croc killing and eating a cute dachshund puppy (I will never get over that. It haunts me to this day.), we lose ourselves in the seriousness of what we are holding in our very hands and we quickly forget the past.

So let’s take a DeLorean (preferably with a flux-capacitor) and revisit one of my favorite Silver Age comics:

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #4, May 1961

Now, there are two things I dislike more than anything on a cover of a comic. The first is when that the cover has nothing to do with the story. But like the sucker that I admit to be, I am duped into buying it because I just can’t peel my eyes away from the art or tagline. The second is much more frustrating: when the cover gives away the ending of the story. In this case, although it doesn’t show us the ending of the story, the cover art sure as hell gave us a huge clue.

For whatever reason, comics of the Silver Age are particularly great at putting these two factors together. I am now officially sucked into the story that will tell me how our world’s greatest team can’t get out of a gem.

Now as we turn the page, our eyes settle upon the roll call that hails the Justice League.

At first glance we are cool with it, but then we do a double take. Or in my case, a spit take. SNAPPER CARR? Although he’s technically an honorary member (although his annoying presence feels full-time), I still furrowed my brow into a “Huh?” I totally forgot about the guy, having chosen to block him out of my mind for the Silver Age. I didn’t mind him as a mentor during Peter David’s run on Young Justice, but to put him with the big guns never fails to frustrate and make me laugh.

Logic is something that seems to be missing during the Silver Age. After regaling any tale from that precious time in comics history, someone never fails to interrupt my laughter and ask “Wait, wait, wait. Why did that happen?”. I’m always caught me off guard, no matter how many times I hear it. I can only manage to utter, “I have no idea.”

A good example of logic failing is shown below:

Why in God’s name is Carthan just okay with Xandor imprisoning him and sending him to Earth? (Personally, I take offense that the ruler regards our planet as a great place for punishment/exile.)

So in order to contact the Justice League, he pretends to be evil? How is this a clever ruse? No good can come of this. I also enjoy that Carthan convinces himself that his plan (which might hurt many people) will help him leave Earth with a clear conscience.

I can buy into whatever reason his special aura may not allow him to communicate with the Justice League. On the other hand, he can always send them a smoke signal. Or write them a letter and drop it off at their headquarters. Chances are pretty high that the Justice League will be holding a meeting at the same time. Oh, wait, this is the same Carthan who is “all right” with being imprisoned and sent to Earth. No wonder he didn’t think of sending snail mail.

It’s all downhill from here.

Madame Chairlady? Our modern Wonder Woman wouldn’t accept being spoken to like that. Not because it is disrespectful, but because it sounds moronic. And Batman is no moron.

So Batman just leans in and grabs it? Oh hell no. DC did not just do this to my man. Out of all of them, Batman would be the farthest from the arrow. He would observe from a safe distance what threat it might hold and look for its weaknesses. It’s much more likely that the Flash or Superman is the wanker that would be first to touch it.

Of all the heroes that then exist in the DC/National Comics database, Carthan chooses Green Arrow? Why not someone more powerful and could be of a greater use to the Justice League? Is it because it’s a coincidence he’s also voted to be a League member? Or perhaps Ollie’s potential death won’t be missed that much.  This may be yet another unsolved mystery of the Silver Age.

There goes our favorite useless Leaguer, off to help in any way his non-existing abilities will allow.

Gardner Fox is known to be one of the most prolific comic-book writers in history. Comic book historians estimated that he wrote over 4,000 comics in his lifetime. Known to many as a polymath, he often inserted real-world historical, scientific, and mythological references.  I have mad respect for that man and his vast knowledge in various subjects, but every once in a while, his choice of words makes me chuckle. I wonder what was going through his mind at the moment.

Martian Manhunter is described as having “jet flying power.”  Only the most articulate children would describe wanting Flash’s “cheetah speed abilities.” And it’s called the power of flight, Mr. Fox.

For those who doubt that cold light is a real thing, there is no need to, it is. Fireflies emit bioluminescence (to attract mates or prey) that produces “cold light” with no infrared or ultraviolet frequencies. See? Who says comics aren’t educational?

Fox catches me off-guard by calling Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet a Robot Plane. Hell, even she calls it Robot Plane. I don’t know about you, but I will never accept “Robot Plane” as an accurate nickname.

We won’t even discuss Martian Manhunter’s super breath!

Now we come to the part that makes me fall off my couch, clutching my stomach as I howl with laughter.

Aquaman: “Wheeeee!!!”

Everything that is wrong (or horribly hilarious) with the Silver Age can be summed up with this panel.

(For the record, there is such a clamshell that large. The large mollusk is often referred by its common name: The Giant Clam. Its scientific name is Tridacna gigas. I am a mini Gardner Fox!)

I plan on getting a large poster printout of this panel to hang over my bed. It will be the first and last thing I see each day to remind me of life’s little joys.

I would pay to see Aquaman hold up a sign as the Flash attempts to read it while running at lightning speed.

Now, deep confusion sets in for me for the next five panels.

Giants of Ganymede was a science-fiction book written by British author James P. Hogan and published in 1978. Known as the Giants Series, Hogan wrote and published the first book, Inherit the Stars, in 1977, with Giants of Ganymede being the second novel in the series. From the illustration alone, Fox seemed to have derived the movie name from combining the Greek mythology and a fictitious alien race from one of Jupiter’s moon, Ganymede. I can only conclude that either James Hogan stole his idea from this issue or Fox himself was no stranger to travelling by DeLorean.

What is that white goo?

Why does seeing Batman wave out of the Batplane amuse me?

With all of his wisdom, why did Superman choose to make it egg-shaped? Something much cooler (and socially acceptable) like a robot suit would do the same job and not embarrass the hell out of a grown man in front of his peers.

I find it so convenient Green Arrow just happens to have a diamond-tipped arrow.

I guess it’s also convenient that the pretend-villain is an amateur gemologist!

How is it his fight now? He needed the Justice League’s help in the first place. That’s how this whole craziness started! Perhaps when Batman knocked Carthan into his ship, it gave him temporary amnesia. Our modern Batman wouldn’t accept his pretend-villain story with such ease. And you’d think, neither would Green Arrow, who was kidnapped by Carthan.

Where did you pop up from, Snapper Carr? Oh, I get it now. You are part of the League because of your impressive shorthand ability.

I like how Flash gives Snapper a taste of his own medicine.

What I can take away from this story is: It must be pretty easy to join the Justice League.

Now, please excuse me as I go wipe the tears from my eyes. I can still hear the ringing of Aquaman’s squeals of joy.

Jessica Tseang was sucked into comics at the tender age of three, and turned it into a degree. She is currently the host for ComiCast!, contributes to GirlGamer, and is founder of Girl on Geek and www.thecomicbookgirl.com.

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