We’ve had some fun here in the past with Lois Lane’s propensity to marry, particularly in the 1960s, when it seemed like Lois was walking down the aisle every other month. In fact, we’ve had so much fun with it that we decided to do it again with LOIS LANE #89 (January 1969), “The Bride of Batman!” Just look at that cover, and that smug look on Bruce Wayne’s face.
What, Bruce couldn’t ask someone else to be the best man? What a jerk. That’s just cruel.
In this DC “Imaginary Story” (which carries no creator credits, but looks to me to be drawn by SUPERMAN great Curt Swan), we discover that there’s a secret room in the Batcave that even Robin isn’t allowed to enter. What is it? It’s Bruce Wayne’s “Lois Lane Room.”
Okay, first: eeugh.
So Batman has a secret Lois Lane stalker room in the Batcave, where he keeps all the presents he bought her but never had the nerve to give her, displayed on mannequins that bear her face. I can’t even count the ways in which this is disturbing. Better keep him away from Jodie Foster, too…
In an attempt to distract himself, the lovelorn Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson attend the Gotham Scholarship Fund’s Masquerade Garden party, where they of course run into who else but Lois Lane, who’s there dressed as Joan of Arc, accompanied by her warhorse, naturally. I’ll say this for Lois: she goes all out for the costume parties.
Unfortunately, Lois’ rented horse is spooked by a bunch of yahoos wearing Superman costumes, and stampedes toward her, forcing Bruce Wayne in his Achilles costume to come to the rescue. The startled horse then falls into the pool, where it’s about to drown, were it not for the sudden arrival of Superman. And even more humiliating for Lois, he’s brought a date:
Superman then tells Lois he can’t stay for the party because he has to go off on a secret JLA mission with Wonder Woman. This story smells fishy for two reasons: not only is Wonder Woman powerless at the time (which is why she’s wearing her cool mod pantsuit), but Batman happens to be in the League as well, and no one told him jack about any secret mission. Superman and Wonder Woman fly away, and Bruce sees this as the opportunity to make his move, and before he knows it there’s a bikini-clad Lois sitting on his shoulders. You smooth operator, you.
Bruce sweeps Lois off her feet (with a combination of fly-fishing and the Jitterbug, apparently…):
And soon the suave, turtlenecked, medallioned billionaire is making out with Superman’s girl:
And before you know it, Bruce pops the question:
Batman breaks the news to Superman, who puts on a brave front, but soon retreats to his own stalkerish Lois-room at the Fortress of Solitude and has a bit of a Super-tantrum.
For a guy as rich as Wayne, the wedding looks like a rather restrained affair, with the most unusual thing being the aforementioned choice of a best man, with Superman said to be “filling in” for Bruce Wayne’s good friend Batman.
Later that night, Bruce Wayne has a surprise for his new bride, taking her down to the Batcave to reveal “a nice little surprise.” And luckily, she’s all for it:
Although not everyone at Wayne Manor is happy:
Robin comes around once Batman and Lois’ son is born, and he’s put in charge of training Bruce Jr. in all things crime-fighting. Although if you ask me, it seems like they’re beginning his on-the-job training a little early (not to mention neglecting lessons in things like basic grammar):
The rest of the story jumps to years later, when Lois Wayne (which I have to admit, is a pretty catchy name) is kidnapped by criminals who try to brainwash Batman’s secret identity out of her, basically by just yelling at her a lot, it would seem:
Desperate not to betray her husband, Lois instead sells out her old buddy Clark Kent as being Batman.
Naturally, Clarkie is soon the target of multiple assassination attempts, which Lois naturally feels terrible about, but not bad enough to resist using Clark as bait to capture the criminals. And yet they still don’t tell Lois that Clark is Superman, instead choosing to let her believe that it was a “steel-armored vest” that saved Clark’s life from an assassin’s blade.
Even in an Imaginary Story, the Silver Age Superman and Batman are still jerks.
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